Soothing, I'll make you feel pure...

So I had a mint weekend. Friday afternoon Troy came over and picked me up. We went to the Mount and got chips and ONE potato fritter (which was grosss), and made a pack of 30 seagulls fight for every bite. We checked which movies were on, then figured we had about 45 minutes to kill, so we went and parked up at Pilot Bay and took a few funny photos. Then back to the cinema to see Where The Wild Things Are. It was an awesome movie, I cried (yes I am a big GIRL on the inside) by the end. Definitely worth seeing, though. I urge you to go and see.

We got back to Papamoa after the movie, after a quick stop at the Liquor Store and Woolworths, where we had a couple of drinks with Krystal and her two friends, I played a bit of Spyro The Dragon on oldschool Playstation I! Then Rhys got home from work, we had some more drinks, a mass sesh and then watched Paranormal Activity which, by the way, is a bullshit movie. I guess if it was happening to you, it'd be freaky, but it ain't happening to me. And yes, I know, it's just a movie but I believe in paranormal and supernatural occurrences.

On Saturday, we went for a drive, Troy got BOTH of us poor bastards some lunch. Sweet Chilli Chicken Roll. Mmmmm. Then we spent quite some time trying to think of something to do... And ended up on the beach, making a sand sculpture of a lady. It was really cool, actually. I enjoyed it. After we'd finished that, we went back to the house, I whinged that I wanted food for a while and somehow Troy ended up cooking. Satay Rice, how inventive!! We farted around for a while, then played darts, Chinese Checkers and Cluedo. I had lots of fun. Then we watched a movie and went to sleep.







Sunday, I got dropped off home and then went and hung out with Leigh, Mike and the kids. We went to the beach and kind of made sandcastles (Pip kept stealing sand from my castle to put in his bucket) and ran around like headless chooks for a while. Then it was ICEBLOCK TIME! And we went back to their place, had roast, a few Woodies and headed back home.


And here I am today, alone in my house, writing a blog because I can't find a job, I have no money, no petrol and no way to escape!!! Hopefully I am paid tomorrow because I really need to go and actively hand out CVs, but I can't GET ANYWHERE. Life is too hard, I tell you.

It's better to burn out, then fade away, my my, hey hey...

I got a pleasant surprise yesterday. Somehow, someone paid for my $40 parking ticket. I was absolutely stoked. And tomorrow I'm getting 2 new tyres. I'm pretty excited, because after that's sorted, all I have to do to fix my car completely is get a new gearbox seal and I will have a 100% functioning vehicle. Although I think that over the holidays I might need to save up my money to replace my cambelt when it's due to be done... Only a couple of thousand km's til then. Here's hoping I have enough time before then!!!

I've spent the last few days farting around, unfortunately, and procrastinating like a MOFO. I did start on my textiles booklet though, which is good. And all my research and design for HCC is done. So I have made progress. I need to have a serious meeting with my tutors though. Hopefully I can get a point in the right direction for my Tshirt assignment. And I think I have to do a lot of sewing, too. So I might have to spend the weekend there, too. I'm on the wintec website attempting to apply for the BMA. But I can't really submit my application when it won't let me change the No it has on it for whether English is my first language. And I don't know what kind of qualification I get from completing this year. WHOOOO knows. I'm going to have to ring them tomorrow.

And once again I went out of my way to cook my father dinner and he didn't even bother to put it in the fridge, he just left it and didn't eat it. That kind of thing pisses me off. So I left him a nice note saying that he should never expect me to cook for him again and he shouldn't bother cooking for me either because I'll just leave it where it is and not eat it, and see what HE says. He bitches and moans when I don't come out of my room the second whatever he has made is ready, yet he's rude enough to ignore all the effort I went to. He just fucks me off, I cannot wait to be out of here again. It's times like these that make me wonder why he even asked me to live here. He does nothing but complain until he fucks off the Kaeo and doesn't even ring when he's not coming home when he said he is. And they aren't even moving down here. I really want to laugh in his face and say SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR BEING UNGRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE. But then again, why would a father appreciate the daughter of his dead wife. Not like I require a parent anyway, right? Because I'm old enough to look after myself, why would I want at least one parent that maybe might like me even a little bit? Heh. No, I don't need that, do I?

Asshole.

According to you, I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right.....

So it's 1pm and I have been trying like a retard still to win tickets to RITV. I reeeeally wanna go, because I never do anything for New Years. Then again I don't reeeeally wanna drive all the way from Gisborne on my birthday.. I wonder what I should DO for my birthday. I put a message out on my facebook asking for suggestions a few minutes ago, so we'll see how that goes.

I'm not too sure what to do with myself right now, to be honest. I know I have heaps of school work to do but I just want my weekend to be my weekend for now. I already did heaps of research and designed something for my History assignment, so I've made progress. I have a lot to do though... I'm just being lazy, I think. But hey, I have 12 days to finish 7 assignments and 3 construction assessments so I think even though I will be pushing it I'll just make myself do it. Maybe I should put the laptop away to avoid procrastination on the internet. Hahahahahaha. Yeah right.


Okay okay 12 days isn't much. I'm going to do some bloody homework. Geeez.

Shawty's like a melody in my head that I can't keep out....

Today has been rather pleasant. That's a lie, because it's 4:56am and I just woke up from my uncharacteristic evening nap? Honestly, I fell asleep a few hours ago, but I cannot get back to sleep. It may be because when I woke up I was dehydrated as, so I just sculled about a litre of water and also about 3 mouthfuls of air. It could also be because I made myself the fattest sandwich and then made myself finish it and my tummy is all sore and bloated. That was before I fell asleep though. I must have been tired.

Anyway, my day yesterday (or the day before?) was a mix of good and not so good. When I woke up I could not bring myself to get out of bed, so I ended up sleeping in more than I had planned. Then I got up and farted around doing my thing (not literally) and went to leave, but once I'd locked my front doors I realized I still had my toothbrush in my mouth. So back inside I go, and as I put my toothbrush down, my keys go too. Without noticing, I walked out and locked the doors, jumped in the car and went to get the keys out of my pocket and heeeeeeeeeello they aren't there. I saw them on the bathroom vanity through the window, and my only way into the house would have required getting on the roof, and it still wasn't a guarantee that I'd fit. So off I toddled down the road for a few kilometers to the top orchard to get my father to open the house for me.

After retrieving my keys, I took my car to Firestone to put on my new tyres that I'd been sent from the people who sold me my new car. Kurt and Jason work there and I was relatively pleased that neither of them recognized me (long story, just know them). Then, to my horror, the nice man showed me that my BRAND NEW tyre had a huge gouge out of the side. I was bummed out for the second time for Friday the 13th, but didn't let it wind me up, just accepted it and continued.

Finally, I drove to polytech and did a bit of work, but was completely and totally over it, so I left and hung out at Shardy and Greg's for a while. I walked out to my car and BAM. Flat tyre. So I have a space saver on at the moment. After dropping Libby off, picking up their dinner and heading home, I organized myself again and went out to Papamoa to meet up with Troy. We went out to Tamsin's housewarming and I ended up doing shots and other naughty-ish things. I did mostly just drink my V though. Then we went back to Troy's (Tam was heaving over the toilet before Midnight) and watched The Hangover, which is hilarious in case you were wondering. I tried to watch Transformers but by that point I was having trouble keeping my eyes open and I just fell asleep.

Today was also pretty sweet. Finally had a whole day at home, just chilling. I spent all morning and afternoon in the sunshine, cruising on my beanbag trying desperately to win Rhythm In The Vines tickets, but alas, my phone dials far too slow. Need a mobile for that stuff.

I sorted out the plan of action for my schoolwork, and did all my internet research for one of my assignments. Which I was stoked with because I wasn't sure how to go about any of it. I had a bit of a twirl with my staff and managed only to hit my lower body, although I cracked myself on the inside-ankle which gave me a bit of a... Fright. I have almost mastered getting it behind my head by my left hand now, and spinning it behind my back. I can spin in circles passing the staff from hand to hand behind me. The obvious figure of eight and a bit of contact. I want to learn contact because I learnt with a seriously heavy staff and the one I have now is a good weight, but if it isn't heavy enough I might have to buy another one just for that purpose that's got dowel down the center. Though I'm pretty sure it's in the length and not the weight, and my staff is up to my chin, I believe. I love staffing because it's so good for coordination and you become completely aware of where every part of your body is (otherwise you're going to set yourself on fire the first time you light up). That and I tend to get into my zone, have my iPod pumping in my ears, dance around and get right into my little jam. I haven't knocked myself out yet, touch wood, but I don't really want to. Because it is going to hurt bad if I do. The only thing is that I think I dance around the staff rather than it around me. Not that it matters. I don't really care what the "rules" are, I just like doing my own thing.

It's almost 6am. I think I'm going to try to sleep a few more hours.
Have a woooooonderful day!

There's no point trying to find a title for this.

As you may or may not have figured out, the person who apologized to me was the man I fell in love with so long ago. It's all my fault for contacting him. And now I don't think I can hold it together, which is stupid because it's my own fault. I shouldn't have let myself get upset about him moving on. I knew it was going to happen. But not so quickly. I knew what was going on not long after we broke up, but it's kinda only just hit home that I have been completely replaced. In not even a month, I might add. And where I thought we were getting close to in our relationship is the point he had got to with somebody else in under a year. His baby is due in February. And as stupid as I feel for letting it get to me, I can't get past this one thing - I thought we were going to be together forever. I thought he was my soulmate. And now it's hard to believe that he ever loved me. I can't believe I was so stupid. I was SO STUPID. Why didn't I leave after I came back from Perth even the second time. I should have known that this is where it would end up. I only held onto him by a thread back then. I wish this feeling would stop. My mind and heart should be cautious of him. I should know this by now. But my first instinct is to trust because I'm still fucking in love with him. I thought I would have healed by now but I haven't and the wounds are now fresh again. I want to die.

Don't hold yourself like that, you'll hurt your knees...

Today has been well and truly the most interesting day I've had in some time. I finally found the utility to access my webcam, so I've been making silly videos, recordings and the best ever MSN display pictures.

I contacted somebody that I didn't think I ever would, again. I removed the blogs regarding the whole situation, because if I could delete them without a second thought, I figured that maybe now was the time. And he apologized. And as much as some people wouldn't think that is enough, it is enough for me. I never, ever expected an apology for any of the goings-on. I never thought that he would come out and admit that he was wrong (not saying I'm perfect...). I don't think he understands quite how much it meant to me for him not to blow me off when I messaged him (the title was reply not required, in case he didn't want me contacting him...). I know that he has moved on. I am genuinely happy for him. He seems in such a better space now. Which makes me wonder if it was my fault in the first place... But it doesn't even merit thinking about now. But I thought I'd share that little bit of progress.

I'm trying to reconnect with people. To forgive, to be kind, to be loyal and make the effort to keep in touch with my friends and family regularly. I went through a long stage of isolation and I lost a few bonds I had made with people that I should have held close to my heart. I think the next step in life is to rebuild the foundations, and grow from there. Can't make progress without laying the right foundations. Though, just so the universe is aware, I will be very careful who I choose to help me through the next part of my life - If I choose the wrong people, I'll be starting back at foundations again in a few years time, if that. So positive, sensible and compassionate are the 3 guidelines. But how do I do that and still finish course? Dedication, motivation and discipline are what the next week will be. I'll post again when I have finished all my assignments and I'm free from homework and my LIFE. =P

- Jordan.

I'm gonna take you back to MY HOUSE...

WELL. Hasn't it been a while? The beauty of privacy. Ahhh.

Lying in bed for the first time in ages and been able to surf the ol' world wide web.
Just a quick update, Ellen and I aren't really talking now, long story that would be inappropriate for blogspace. I've gone back to my course after giving up for 3 weeks and my tutors have been amazing. I'm pretty pleased I'm staying, really. Doing well with the most current assignment but probably still behind most other people.

Aaaand I'm afraid I was a tad naughty today. You see, one of the many people that came and went through the Victory st flat was a man we like to call Mr James. I can't really explain him to you, because I'm pretty sure he likes to keep information about him on the web to a minimum. But anyway, he'd been living on the couch for months and a while ago, we celebrated his birthday. I don't think I have ever drunk that amount of RTDs before and actually A. Not had to pee every 5 seconds, B. Not fallen asleep. So by 11pm we were both a kind of blur of drunkness and we ended up getting together for a while. Then, long story short I broke up with him because I couldn't handle being ignored by him when I spent 90% of my time in his presence up until he moved out and didn't come to see me or even call for a week. I felt terrible but I did it by txt because I didn't want to talk to him on the phone. Now everything is good and he reckons that we're better together when we're not together, if that makes sense. And this afternoon before he went back to his place, he told me to stop on the way through and I kinda just said "Well I'll probably just head straight through," because what the hell is the point of me going there and just wanting to leave the whole time because he just does his own thing and I was absolutely shattered. Then I felt bad because he was all bummed out. But then he shouldn't have been a wanker and shouldn't have tried to tell me off for "stealing the blankets" when there is only one, it's mine and if he wants it he can fuckin' come closer and all problems will be solved because I'm like a walking radiator. Blah blah blah... I know.

Life is relatively boring. I lost my plot and obviously left my ciggies at Shardy's and now I've had no before bed smoke and I won't have my morning fag. So maybe I will be drinking a bit of coffee....

Lets think about the word fuck for a second, I make love to you....

Ohmygosh. Thursday night is one of the best nights I have ever had in town. He shouted me heaps of drinks, feeding me shots all night. And I ran into so many people I know. Probably about 20 people signed my cast, and the bouncers at crazy's gave me entry with no ID because they wanted to save me the trouble of getting it out of my pocket. I had an excellent night. When we got back to his place we had a few smokes, and if you would believe it, I slipped over in the bathroom when I was stone-cold sober. It was so embarrassing. But he really didn't laugh at me, and was really concerned. I know I sound like a airhead teenager right now, but I have to tell somebody, I'm so excited. We went to bed and he massaged and rubbed my back, and we had the most amazing sex I've ever had. It felt good but the amazing part was the intensity. Being able to look into somebody else's eyes and not break the connection in such an intimate moment. Usually I'd keep my eyes closed the whole time. But this was different. He is the first person I have been with that I have never looked at in a random moment and thought "What the fuck am I even doing with this person?". He makes me strangely comfortable in the most awkward situations. And he's a cuddler. So there's no sinking, lonely, used feeling that comes from one-night-stands.

He is unusual. The reason that we are only dating and not in a relationship is because he thinks there is a curse on him. He can't explain why, but once he's with somebody for a long period of time, he, without warning, just stops being in love with them. He told me about it, and said that he doesn't want to break my heart, but he really likes me. So we're officially "dating" now. But I would really like it to progress into a relationship. And after the last few days and nights, I think I may have fallen for him a lot harder than I first thought. He is like my perfect match. He knows what to do to please me and he kisses in the same way that I do. Almost like he was made compatible to me. But sticking with the statement in my last blog... I expect nothing. If it doesn't work out, I will not allow myself to be hurt too much. I believe I have used up my quota of heartbreak, and I don't deserve any more. So if he wants to be with me, I'll be over the moon. But I will not allow it to drag me back down to where I was the last time I was heartbroken. I will understand if his feelings change, and handle it like a mature adult. Because I AM a mature adult. No matter what anybody says. So we'll sit back, relax and see where it takes me.

That said... Still grinning from ear to ear. <3

Something so true is what I get from you, and I hope that you see you get the best of me...

Today has been pretty long. But I felt like writing a little something, seeing as I am home alone for the first time in a while.

It takes a very kind and open heart to do what has been done for me over the last six months. And I am more than lucky to be where I am, today. From the day I met Shardae, I knew she was a keeper. I have made many of the wrong friends throughout my lifetime, been a terrible judge of good character and just a general sucker in friendship and love. I can honestly say that I can count my close, true friends on one hand. Shardae is one of them. Her partner Greg is another. And their daughter Gypsy is the icing on the cake.

I met Shardae in February, when she started in the second week of my course. And as if over-night, I became part of her family. At the time, I was friends with Amanda (long story to be explained later) and we'd go and hang out sometimes. But it was quite obvious as time went by that Shardy and I had become a lot closer than she and Amanda. I began staying at Shardae's house and ended up living there, as I still do. Things began to get messy with Amanda and, as a result of her continuous disregard for anything and anyone besides herself, the three of us became two.

Greg goes out of his way to help me with anything I need, and has done so even before my mishap with my ankle. He offers to take me anywhere I need to go, cooks, cleans up and entertains. He is, in all honesty, my idea of a perfect brother. And on top of all that, I can talk to him whenever I need to. He is always there to support me, ready with glue in hand to fix me when I fall apart. Which, to my horror, he's had to do a few times. One day, I hope I can repay him for everything he has done for me.

Shardae always puts a smile on my face. She has welcomed me into her family with open arms and has made me feel loved when I have been at the lowest point I ever remember reaching. She is my stability, my shoulder to cry on, my safety and one of my very few best friends. I have no idea what I would do without her and I credit her with keeping both my feet firmly on the ground when I'm at risk of floating away. I don't know what I EVER did without a friend like her.

And lastly but certainly not least, Gypsy. A little ray of sunshine. I love waking up every morning to "HI DAWWWDAAAAN!". I miss her like nothing else whenever I am away from her. She is the most adorable, intelligent and hilarious little girl I've met, and I am proud that she deems me worthy of her love. Crazy Aunty Jordy isn't going anywhere, Gyppo. So lets hope she can keep up with you as you get older!

I don't know what I've done to deserve a family as amazing as this. But I wouldn't trade them for anyone or anything in the world. <3

The world slows down, but my heart beats faster now...

Yes, yes, it has been a million billion years since I last posted. I haven't had access to a personal computer in the time I've been gone, you see. And I don't particularly want people reading over my shoulder as I write. It may sound silly because I'm posting all this publicly, but my writing is always a messy process. Sometimes I spent hours writing page after page about something, copying, pasting, editing, perfecting - then delete it all. Don't ask me why. It's just the way things work.

Now to bring you up to speed. On the 25th of June, or Thursday last week, I went into town with my friend Ellen. We were quite early, so we sat down and had a couple of drinks, went and played a game of pool (if you could call it that) and then went for a walk. We were going to buy some smokes, but half way to the servo decided not to bother 'cause if two young-ish girls can't score a free smoke in town, there must be something wrong. So we got to The Grumpy Mole (still sober), and to my utter and complete delight, the bouncer Bonnie remembered me (by name!!!) and didn't even check my ID. So as you can imagine, I was completely and totally stoked. I skipped to catch up with Ellen and not even four steps in the door, I landed oddly on my right foot and felt an almighty crack. I hopped over to the stools by the pool table and sat down, Ellen took off my shoe and to both my horror and hers, I couldn't even move my foot, let alone my toes. I had to hop all the way across The Strand to get into Ellen's car and head to A&E. Long story short, I have a fractured ankle, a crappy cast and a passionate hate for crutches. And of course now I won't be known by my name, but by my clumsiness. But not to worry. If it was possible to earn money from looking like an idiot on a daily basis, I'd be very, very rich. So I'm used to it.

Moving on... I know that very few - if any - people read these. But I just wanted to share a little something with the black hole that is the internet, without jinxing anything. I'm pretty excited, because I haven't felt like this in a long time. In fact, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever had a feeling quite like this.

There's a boy.

Well, a man. But he makes my stomach do backflips in a way that's foreign to me. I feel almost sick with nerves every time he asks me to come and hang out with him, although that could be contributed to by the fact that he has stairs up to his front door (I'm on crutches, remember?). I went and hung out with him and his flatmate over the weekend. Of course, the first thing I did when I got in the door was fall into the fridge while his two dogs jumped all over me and he tried to keep me on my... foot. See, if you follow my antics for a while, you'll realise that kind of thing happens to me all the time - I'm a clumsy dork, naturally. But back to the subject... I'm going to Crazy Jack's to have a few drinks with him on Thursday night. Which could be considered foolish, drinking in public when I have balance issues when I'm sober. But I basically promised him I wouldn't back out, so I have to go. The only reason I want to is because of my irrational paranoia that people will stare at me because I've got a cast on my leg. A paranoia that I'll have to just ignore, because there's no way I can stand him up, especially after he told me today that he's really looking forward to seeing me. But to state for the record:

I expect nothing. I will take everything as it comes and allow the future to fall into place of it's own accord - with no pressure or outside influence. I will trust and be honest with this person. But I will under no circumstances get my hopes up for anything beyond friendship.

Call me crazy, but to avoid jinx, I usually write or say things like that when I'm telling someone about something I'm excited about - just in case the universe is listening. Prime example of why - not even a week before fracturing my ankle, I said to one of my flatmates that I'd never broken or fractured a bone in my body, and I didn't touch wood like I always do. If that's not proof, I don't know what is.

Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry...

I apologise that I haven't written in about a week. I've been away from home, and I don't really feel like writing right now.

Today, we're going to teach you some fun facts about Salmon, and a brand new dance...

I suddenly had the urge to write about how Amanda and I met.

It was the first day of tech and, as I expected, I knew nobody. We'd just had a "Welcome Assembly", and I was sitting on some garden edging, because all the people I could see that were in my class didn't look like... My kind of people, should I say. This is where you find out that I am naturally a bogan, naturally because I learned it all from my parents and their friends as a kid. I have a labret and an eyebrow piercing, at the time I had messy, black, ass length hair and just generally looked like a dirty, hardcore bogan. Not dirty as in unclean, just for the record.

Only one girl had really made any eye contact, and smiled back when I smiled at her. She came and sat by me on the garden edging. She was wearing a mid-thigh length, gothic style black dress, heeled boots, stockings, had about five piercings in each ear and light blonde hair. The first thing she said was - "Fuck I need a smoke," and, of course, my reply was - "Fuckin' AYE!". We've been best friends ever since.

Our first criteria were, of course, a fellow smoker, a fellow smoke smoker, a fan of rock, metal, punk, etc. music. It was then that we had the luck to stumble upon Shardae, one of the most awesome fun girls I've met in my life. She is a mummy of one, has the most crack up boyfriend, an entertaining brother and some seriously hot friends. Cough, cough, somebody will know who I'm talking about, I'm sure. We have had some of the funniest times with Shardae, dancing to Yo Gabba Gabba, smoking, drinking, smoking some more. Even in class, we have the funniest conversations. They brighten up my day immensely.

That was just a little dedication, just to show some love and appreciation.

This Is The Black Collar Song...

"You're so much more fun when you can smoke drugs!" - Pascalle West to her sister Loretta, Outrageous Fortune.

Today we learn a valuable lesson - Don't take me op-shopping when I am under the influence. I managed to come out of the Greerton SaveMart with a fuchsia coloured suit jacket, a joker styled coat, a flower-child shirt and this lace THING. Honestly, they are pretty cool, but the point is - WHAT THE FUCK was I doing spending my hard earned money on clothes I most likely won't wear unless it's for a costume. Although, I do think it would be humerous to wear it to tech tomorrow. I study Fashion Design, so turning up in costume would be hilarious.

I am currently listening to Marilyn Manson. I am in a thoughtful mood. And I think my lung capacity has dropped to about 40%, which is slightly uncomfortable, in case you were wondering.

Amanda and I have this... Life plan, if you will. We have come up with a theory about where we'd be in five years' time. It goes a little like this..

"In five years, Amanda and Jordan will be sitting on the loungeroom floor of their scungy flat, drinking copious amounts of wine, hating men."

We discovered that it might be a litter sooner than five years away. For example, that is what we were planning tonight (minus the hating men, we never planned that) without even making the connection. Thank god I remembered my motto before it was too late!

There are a few other parts to our life plan. Around the five year mark, we are going to do a road trip of New Zealand. We will have our full motorcycle licences. We're going to road trip (still in a car) around Australia. We're going to save up to see the world. We're also hoping my other best friend Ellen will join us in our plan. To be honest, I'd say it's pretty epic.

Another thing I've been chuckling to myself about is a couple of old pictures I have of a certain something belonging to a certain someone, and a few compromising emails. They crack me up. They are kind of disturbing now I look back on them.

That's all for now, boys and girls.

She says wake up, it's no use breaking down...

They say when one door closes, another one opens. After the last few years, for a number of different reasons, I'm starting over. I'm adopting Pascalle West's motto - The Beautiful Positive. I opt for good and beautiful over nasty and huss. And what better way to start out the rest of my life than to clean up! My washing is on, the dishes are done, the vacuuming is done. Yes, boring, I know. If there is something I have learned from my experiences, it is that you can't go through life like a doormat. You can't let people you love take advantage of you. If they loved you, they wouldn't do that. You can't bend over backwards and move heaven and earth for somebody who doesn't appreciate it - your efforts will be either ignored or rejected. The issue with giving your all to anybody, be it a lover, a friend or even family, is that somewhere along the line, if not the whole way, you're going to find out how much you actually mean to them. More often than not, you'll be disappointed. Don't make the mistake of giving them chance after chance to prove themselves - they will believe that you'll stick around forever. Of course, everybody does make mistakes, whether they are lapses in judgment, outside influences and sometimes even fear. But there is a point were you have to say to yourself "Does this person actually care at all?". If it is excuse after excuse, I think you know that you haven't exactly got a winner there.

That brings me to where I am today. I am surrounding myself with people who care about me, people who bring the wonderful positive into my life, people who appreciate my trust, my love and my effort. I am organizing my time better, I am saving some money, I am having fun. And most of all, I am not living at somebody else's expense.

And on a slightly related not, today I saved a tiny mouse from the wrath of my dad's mouse trap. It had something wrong with it's leg, and I'm trying not to think about what kind of animal is going to be the first to eat it, but I had nothing suitable to keep it in until it got better. I feel quite bad, and if I could carry it around with me without (a) Getting sick, (b) Being looked at funny and (c) It jumping out of my hands and attempting to run away (even though it can only move in circles), I would. But, I can't. That's the way the world works I guess. The whole food chain, everything and everyone has to eat to survive thing.

I enjoy writing, and I will be trying to do it more often. But I highly doubt it will be anything interesting. It's simply for my own entertainment, and gives me an outlet to vent.

So kids, remember - Good and Beautiful over Nasty and Huss!